Do You Want to Come Out and Play?

Anybody who knows my father knows he is an ultimate introvert. My father can spend a copious amount of time by himself, watching the news, playing stocks, and reading. He can entertain himself to no end, driving my mother, the perennial extrovert, absolutely crazy- this dynamic can be mildly entertaining though I must not find too much delight in it lest I find myself in the same situation 30 years from now with my introverted husband! Also, my father is an optimist, always hoping for the best and believing in the best of people. It is an admirable personality trait, especially given the cynical, tumultuous, and negative environment that we find ourselves in nowadays. My father loves playing tennis as well. Tennis is our family sport, with my father’s grandfather having played championship tennis in India. When we go to CT on the weekends, you can often find all of us, from grandparents to grandchildren, on the Bethel High School tennis courts.

I was talking to my father on the phone yesterday after he came back from an emergency trip to India. He sounded uncharacteristically down. After some prodding, he said that the tennis group that he had come to love had dropped him from their text chain. My heart sank for him. I tried making him feel better saying maybe there was a reason that they hadn’t texted or that it was an inadvertent mistake. But he had a suspicion that being ghosted by them had been in the works for some time.

In retirement, my father has found great delight in playing tennis. It’s a mystery that despite being shy and introverted, my father found multiple groups of people with whom to play tennis. He has his “Indian Uncle Group” that he meets at an indoor tennis club multiple times a week during the winter months. With my dad on the younger side of the Indian Uncle Group at the youthful age of 75, it’s the cutest thing picturing these older men meeting on Friday evenings and Sunday early mornings. It’s about an hour drive from our house to the club, so my dad carpools with another uncle, meeting half way and riding together in one car. Its a lot of effort to play tennis, but they all enjoy it so much. In a nod to our culture, each uncle brings something to their matches- one uncle brings coconut water, another brings some snacks and my dad brings bananas to share. My father looks forward to these weekend outings, I suspect not only to play tennis but for the camaraderie and friendship that have developed over the years as well.

During the warmer months, my father found another group of men, albeit younger but also Indian, with whom to play. Two years ago, my father met one of them at the Bethel High tennis courts and asked if he could join their group. For somebody who is shy like my dad, this was a courageous move. This man obliged and started to include my dad on their tennis group’s WhatsApp chain. This group is local and plays outside so its easier for my dad to join in. If you hear my mom telling the story, she will say that when the weather is nice enough to play outside, you’ll find my dad glued to his phone starting at 3PM. He waits for somebody in this group to text about playing tennis that day, the time and location (either the Bethel or Danbury courts). My dad is almost always the second to RSVP his attendance. On the days that nobody texts within the chain, my father becomes grumpy and sour. He turns into that kid who is stuck at home, looking out the window, not having been asked to come out and play by the other neighborhood kids.

These groups mean so much to my father as they constitute the bulk of his social outlet. There’s been so much that has been written about the connection between longevity and social connections. Last year, the Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy raised the alarm bells about the loneliness epidemic taking over the country in a 2023 advisory. Dr. Murthy remarked that lacking connection can increase the risk of premature death to levels comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day! The Surgeon General advisory warned that the physical consequences of poor connection can be devastating including a 29% increased risk of heart disease, a 32% increased risk of stroke and a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults.

So when my father told me about being dropped by this local tennis group, I was sad that my dad no longer had an almost-daily guaranteed time to play and built-in social connection. Perhaps my dad was slowing this group down? Or perhaps my dad was annoying in his over-eagerness or competitiveness? Whatever the reason, I’m disappointed that this group of men didn’t give my father the message directly. I guess this says more about our current culture, where kindness, respect and dignity are eschewed for the expediency of convenience and comfort. However, as I spoke to my father yesterday, I didn’t convey any of this to him. In my mind, I thanked this younger group for having indulged my father in playing tennis with him for these past few years. Also, it was a reminder to me that there must be older people in my Cambridge community that may be looking for social connection and that I must pay it forward as this younger group had done for my father.

Today is a gorgeous, sunny, balmy 85-degree day. While it makes me sad that there won’t be a text for my dad come 3PM today, I’ll take a page out of my father’s optimism book and hope that somebody will invite him out to play. (And at the very least, he’ll have plenty of playdates on the tennis courts with us come this long weekend!)