Returning home

Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago. But much of it still applies. And running still helps me get out of my head…

This has a been a hard week for me. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m falling into a dark abyss. It’s happening slowly but I know it’s happening because I see it as a slow-motion movie reel. It’s noticeable, even to me. I’m grateful for my husband who has been there shouldering much of this. Because it is hard to admit this to oneself, let alone others. How do you describe feelings of panic, unsettling, listlessness, lack of motivation, all happening at once?

There’s so much happening right now. Last night, I saw a video of a grad student at my alma mater being forced into an unmarked vehicle by masked agents. This happened a few miles from where I live. While we always knew we didn’t belong, these scenes of violence by the police, authoritarian state, even in the liberal state of Massachusetts, hits really hard. Panic. Unsettling.

I am also battling my own battles on the professional front. Too much to go into here, but it’s harder when your day job is emotionally difficult. I know, I have a job and I should be grateful. But that almost makes it worse, because I don’t feel like I have a right to complain amidst the mass layoffs and the economic strain on families across the country currently. But I finally recognize that it is suffering nevertheless.

Add to this what is happening in the cosmos, seriously, I kid you not!, and you have a perfect storm of malaise. My dear friend posted to her blog yesterday (check out her new company- Randee Joy Astrology) and I felt what she posted deeply. “This season is FULL of strong astrological energies that have most liken shaken all of us, in one way or another…Soooo, maybe you've been feeling a bit down, or a bit reflective, or wondering about the meaning of it all, or questioning a life choice, or wanting to go in a new direction....or simply just not being able to access the joy you typically do.” Bullseye. This has been exactly what I’ve been feeling.

I turned to my husband last night, tears in my eyes, not knowing what to do or how to handle these emotions. He asked that I go for a run in the morning, however hard it would be for me. So this morning, I forced myself to put my running socks on (these special socks that help prevent shin splints), changed into workout gear, and slipped into my sneakers. I wore my running jacket complete with gloves, a hat and orange sunglasses (orange makes me happy), I was ready for whatever this run would bring.

I was ready for battle…with myself. I blasted EDM and started to jog. Quickly, I got to my normal running pace. And I just released myself into the run. I slowly started to feel better. A song came on from my clubbing days and a small smile crept over my face. I remember dancing on the platform, feeling the music in my soul, being happy. I am a dancer and love EDM. I continued running around the Charles River and I had a flashback to my short-lived cross country career and turning a corner towards the finish line. I am an athlete and love moving my body. I sped up as I hit the path on Memorial Drive and remembered driving in a big purple car with my dearest college friends, me in the backseat. I am an empath and love deeply. I made my way across the bridge and immediately recall standing in that same place with my children on a warm spring day years ago. I am a mother and love my family. I hang a left at the intersection and am met with a white fist pump stenciled on the black concrete, probably from the George Floyd protest days. I am a social justice advocate and love fighting for what is right. I made my way back up to my house, crossing several intersections, and sprinting at the end. I immediately broke out into tears. I am emotional and love a good cry. This past week, I had forgotten who I was. Returning home to myself never felt so great.