What was Lost

The other day, I used the term “pre-pandemic” in a discussion with my children. They didn’t bat an eyelash and knew exactly of what period of time I was referring. “Pre-pandemic” and “post-pandemic” have come to signify so much more than simply a period before and after the three years of the pandemic. The post-world is so different and feels other worldly. We as a collective have felt such seismic shifts in living, working and being that it will take generations to fully appreciate the impacts.

However, lately, I can’t help to think about all that we lost. Pre-pandemic, my house ran like clockwork. Both kids were off to school, lunches prepared and my husband and I were at our desks in time for our 9AM meetings. And then the evening hustle would begin, with different kid activities, board meetings, social commitments, and everything in-between. We did that five days a week, for weeks on end, because that’s what was expected of us to advance our careers, provide for our family, and participate in the communities we chose to belong. This is not to paint a rosy picture of ease with this routine (some days it was an absolute shit show!), but we followed it without question and so did many people within our circles.

Now, post-pandemic, our lives are so different. I don’t know about you, but it takes me so much longer to do anything these days. The hustle is gone and that sense of shared purpose and belonging has evaporated as well. During the pandemic, everything came to a standstill. Life with its hustle and bustle stopped. For those who were not deemed “essential workers” and who were privileged in society and blessed with work-from-home jobs, the pandemic forced us to slow down. Now, don’t get me wrong, there were moments that were stressful. But if you didn’t leave your house for days, and had your groceries delivered to you (after they spent a day in the garage and were wiped down clean), your life was opposite to what life was like pre-pandemic. For many of us, this change was welcomed. It was a time to reassess priorities, places of work, jobs, as well as activities and the myriad of other things we had voluntarily put on our plates pre-pandemic.

As we make our way out of the pandemic into this post world, I am not sure we have reckoned with the consequences of what happens when our worlds slow down and priorities shift. I know for me, my world got smaller, unintentionally. Where I used to chat with so many people in my day, from coworkers to receptionists to caregivers and providers, I’m lucky if my day includes anybody outside of my immediate family. I know I am not alone. In my reprioritization efforts, I seem to have reduced my life to the “essential” for the sake of productivity, efficiency and survival. In doing so, I have underestimated the value and worth of the supposed “non-essentials” like acquaintances, community and sense of belonging.

We saw what happens when we deem people to be “essential” vs. “nonessential,” when we prioritize bars and restaurants over schools and daycares and when we question public health in the name of individual liberties. Millions of people died. Income inequality exacerbated, Mental illness among youth skyrocketed. In no other time in my lifetime have we seen and felt the implications of such profound shifts in societal values so clearly. And I believe we have not reckoned fully with the consequences of these changes.

There is perhaps no clearer example of these shifts than the workplace in corporate America today. Companies are trying to entice their workers back to the office with mandates, free lunches and parking and other such benefits that pre-pandemic would have immediately propelled a company to the top of any “Best Company” list. However, workers are calling their employers’ bluff understanding if a company has survived until the post-pandemic world, working remotely remains a viable and productive solution. And companies are struggling to show the value proposition of returning to office. What makes being in the office necessary if you spend most of your day on zoom calls with employees in different locations? Because we have shifted our societal values to ones of productivity and efficiency, now it is companies that are having to prove the same to their employees. While I certainly don’t place blame on employees for the current return to office debacle playing out in almost every office across the country, I may be unpopular, but I miss how work life used to be. I miss the organic connections, the impromptu drinks post-work and the camaraderie that existed when the same was expected of all of us, all the time. It no longer feels like we are working together with a philosophy of “a rising tide lifts all boats.” Rightfully, the pandemic allowed us to question these values and now employees are questioning just what is a rising tide and do we want to experience rising tides and whether all boats are indeed being lifted by these corporate policies.

As my universe has gotten smaller, so have my relationships and sense of community. Who we let into our “pandemic bubble” defined with whom we socialized. I used to have many layers and tiers of relationships in my life, from people I would converse with daily as I waited with my kids at the bus stop to the receptionist at the office and so much in-between. Many of those layers that constitute the social fabric of one’s life went away with the pandemic. We no longer looked at people the same way for coronavirus was transmitted through people. People were seen as potential threats. And the safety with which I used to be in the world drifted away as well. Places and people became unsafe in ways that we haven’t felt universally in our lifetimes.

So what have we lost? So much I think. Yes, I get more time with my family, especially my children. I am not spending five days a week commuting into the office. However, I am not convinced that the tradeoffs are worth it . And I don’t think we have grappled with these consequences as a society nor am I convinced that we are prepared should another pandemic-like event occur. The richness and textures that existed in my social fabric pre-pandemic have been frayed and replaced with ‘non-essential’ things like television and social media. I believe that our children and our youth are mirrors to what is working and what is not in our society. And our youth are hurting in ways that are alarming but also indicative of what I am trying to capture here.

Given the current situation, what should we do? I know for me it is about being deliberate about re-engaging with the world- joining community meetings, taking an interest in civic life and work life. It is expanding who is in my post-pandemic bubble. It is taking lunch with colleagues at the office instead of eating at your desk (side note- I started having lunch with a group of attorneys when we were mandated back to the office three days a week and now we look for each other around noon on the days we are in the office. Colleagues have said that they have started looking forward to these lunches and I know I am sad when I have to miss them.). It is finding joy in another’s company not to meet an objective end but simply because. It is making eye contact and acknowledging one’s humanity when you check out at the grocery store. It is exercising these muscles that have been dormant during the pandemic and being patient with one’s self while the social fabric starts to be resown. It will take time, but I am convinced there is no other way. The alarms are ringing and we need to pay attention to what has been lost before “post-pandemic” becomes “post-apocalyptic” and the world we knew is all but lost entirely.

It's been Messy but it will be OK

The last time I wrote, the world was a different place. We were living life normally, going to work, school, restaurants, and bars. We were planning vacations, anticipating getaways, buying tickets for concerts and book readings, and making plans for the weekends. We were planning birthday parties and booking rentals, stressing about summer camps, nagging our children to finish their homework and practice their instruments and dances, limiting screen time, and chauffeuring our children to many activities while juggling multiple schedules simultaneously. As we end Week 4 of the Quarantine, our lives could not be more different and our former reality a distant memory.

COVID-19, more commonly known as coronavirus, forever has changed our lives. Working from home, “homeschooling” and social distancing have become the norm. Google hangouts, Zoom meetings, virtual “happy hours” and workout classes and all things digital have now replaced physical connection. Our FaceBook, Instagram and Twitter feeds are filled with memes depicting our adjustments to this new way of life. Instead of rushing around trying to make the next meeting, doctor’s appointment, baseball practice or end-of-day pickup, we are now in a digital race to fill our virtual grocery carts and secure delivery times online at Instacart, Whole Foods, Amazon or the plethora of other delivery services thriving during this pandemic.

And let’s not be mistaken, I’m talking about those of us who are privileged and have the luxury of jobs that allow us to work from home (thank you to the frontline healthcare workers who are risking their lives daily for us!), computers for the whole family, functioning WiFI, and resources to stockpile our food and paper goods reserves. On my google chats and group texts, I lament almost daily about balancing working and childcare, but there are those among us who are struggling with so much more including food, housing and job insecurity.

While the last few weeks have been a blur, I am grateful for all that I have including my health, family, job, shelter and food. There is an underlying current of anxiety, uncertainty and uneasiness that has permeated home and work life. Some have called this “collective trauma” and I couldn’t agree more. On the other hand, this pandemic has forced us to slow down, take stock of what is most important in life, reassess how we handle healthcare and the environment, and open our eyes and hearts to those who have been suffering all along. I hope that we as a society can make some deep, lasting changes to broken systems after this is all done. It’s been a messy journey thus far. But it will be OK.

New Year Intention- Be (the) Light

Happy new year and new decade! Welcome to 2020. I started a tradition of setting a new year intention a few years ago to help ground and guide me for the new year. Anybody who knows me knows how much I love new things: new changes, new chances, new opportunities, and new beginnings. Speaking as a true Aries, I love beginning new things and setting new year’s resolutions was no exception. These resolutions were your conventional ones of losing weight, adopting a healthier diet, exercising more and pursuing my dreams with vigor. As with all new things, life would quickly mask these resolutions and they would be a distant memory by February.

Instead of resolutions, I’ve found that setting a carefully crafted intention to be both fulfilling and rewarding. It’s also easier to uphold and maintain an intention than a resolution. There’s something more grand and meaningful in an intention. A new year intention provides me with focus and clarity about my goals for the upcoming year and is a way for me to remember the things in my life that are the most significant. My new year intention becomes my mantra, something that I can recite daily to remind myself of my purpose. I try to pick intentions that can overlap the personal and the professional spheres, that have multiple applications and meanings, and that provide direction for the year ahead.

This year, my new year intention is to be (the) light. As the oldest child and now a mother, wife, and lawyer, worry, anxiety and stress have always been my middle name. For most of my life, bedtime would be riddled with anxiety, my sleep restless and interrupted. This year, I want to be light in my mind and with my thoughts. I want to be light with myself, to not take myself so seriously. Simply put, I want to lighten up and enjoy the ride.

Gandhi had once said “I must reduce myself to zero” and with being light, my hope is that I can reduce my self, my ego, to zero. Through mindfulness and meditation, I hope that I can reduce my inner critic, my conditioning and societal pressures and demands down to nothing such that my true self can emerge.

I want to be light in my consumption, from food to consumer goods to unnecessary waste. While of course I want to lose weight, this new year intention is much more than that. Being light to me means consuming less, being mindful of the resources I am using, and trying to minimize my carbon footprint and harm to the planet. In addition, I want to be light in my use of social media and to not depend on it as much as I have these past few years.

Lastly, be the light comes from my desire to be a positive source of inspiration for my children. In the daily grind of life and work, it is easy to forget how much influence we have over our children and how much they try to emulate and please us. My intention this year is to be the light for children, Kabir and Navya, so that they too can shine.

As we break into the new year, I wish you all love, peace, health, wellness and most of all, light.

Flashbacks of Talking on the Phone

Last night, my son ran up to me as I came home and said he was meeting his friend on Google docs at 6:15PM (what?). Through his school portal, the kids are able to use the Google platform safely, sharing documents with other Cambridge public school students. Kabir’s technology teacher encourages students to share their writing with one another so they can provide feedback, revisions and suggestions to one another on their projects. So it came as as surprise that these boys had found another purpose for the editing feature in Google Docs. Genius!

As my son logged onto the portal and opened his document that he had shared with his friend, he squealed when his friend appeared. “Hi Kabir” his friend wrote on the screen. Kabir wrote back. They engaged in a “conversation” online- talking about football, sharing pics of cool players and puppies (so cute!), asking when the other was going to eat dinner and discussing other topics. And all the while, Kabir had the biggest grin on his face.

I had a flashback to sitting on my bed, deeply engrossed in conversation with my friend, phone in hand. Much to my dad’s dismay, I would tie up the phone line (this was before call waiting was available or affordable!) for hours on end, little spats ensuing over phone time. Eventually, conversations migrated to AOL messenger (do you remember when that was a thing?) but the excitement of talking to friends through different media never waned.

Kabir writes “Where did you go?” on the screen. Waiting, he turns to me and says, “I guess he is eating dinner.” A few minutes go by and his friend writes back, “Have to run Kabir- need to eat. Bye.” With a smile on his face, Kabir writes back “Bye, see you tomorrow.” As I watch my son, I remember that feeling hanging up on my friends after we had exhausted all the important topics. Despite decades between experiences, not much has really changed. And there’s great comfort in that.

Do You Still Sing in the Shower?

I had a flashback a few weeks ago about singing in the shower when I was much younger. I used to spend close to 30 minutes in the shower, belting out tunes and secretly thinking (and hoping) that I would be the next superstar. I would waiver between wanting to be the next Madonna, Cindy Lauper or Whitney Houston, Indian-style. After my shower shows, I would secretly re-enact being discovered, my hidden talent finally revealed to the world. Much to my chagrin and unfortunately for my teenage self, this was never my reality. But I started thinking about these small moments of solitude that I used to enjoy and how these moments are now stolen by none other than my smartphone.

I know, it’s sad, but it’s the truth. Not that I take the phone in the shower with me, but I’m finding that my mind doesn’t wonder anymore the way it used to. Any free moment these days is taken up by my phone, especially social media. It’s like a nervous tick! Being alone with my thoughts and feelings is slowly becoming a rare commodity.

I recall sitting in class, looking out the window, lost in thought. I honestly can’t remember the last time I did that. I remember sitting in the back of the car, listening to old Telugu songs, tuning out to my own thoughts as I looked out the window. Now, on long car journeys, my kids are watching movies or shows on their iPads.

So this past weekend, with dear friends, I tried to stay present. That meant that I didn’t reach for my phone during lulls in conversation. That meant that as I spent yesterday at the Head of the Charles, I walked and biked, absorbed the sunshine on my skin and got lost in my thoughts. Last night, I played with my kids and engaged in some fun dinner conversation. And this morning, as I got in the shower, an old favorite came to mind and I slowly hummed the tune, returning to my younger self.

How do you stay present in the ever-increasing world of distraction?

A Rat Race That Cannot Be Won

“I’m ready to lean OUT.”

Sarah Buckley Friedberg

A Facebook rant by a Needham, MA mother of three ends with this: “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to lean OUT.” Since writing her viral post, Sarah Buckley Friedberg garnered over 79,000 likes, 18,000 comments and 72,000 shares. She certainly has hit a cord, mostly among similarly situated, privileged (I’d argue, predominantly white) women and mothers.

What is it about her post that resonates with so many people? I’m exhausted reading the post, let alone being a working mother of two trying to achieve all that she talks about. Society’s expectation that we must be put together, skinny and fit, well-rested, well-adjusted, well-groomed, ambitious, financially contributing members of our families coupled with raising kids who are well-fed, well-balanced and well-rounded (be proficient in at least one sport, instrument and other activity), curious, high-achieving explorers is simply impossible and unfair. It is an unspoken truth that the same is not, and will never be, expected of the opposite sex.

I love this part of Ms. Buckley’s post:

"Recycle. Be Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the birthday planner, the poop doula (seriously when will this end), the finder of lost things, the moderator of fights. Be fun. Be firm. Read books. Have dance parties."

I’ve written a lot about this but my solution to these ridiculous, untenable societal expectations is to ignore them as much as possible. Of course, I’m susceptible to them as much as the next woman is but the more we try to achieve these unrealistic, soul-crushing, goals, the more will be expected of us. It’s a rat race that cannot be won.

One of the reasons I started Messy Bliss a few years ago was to encourage us to question these notions, to embrace the messy imperfections and to find joy and happiness in all of it. Let’s cultivate a counterculture of being who we are, strong women who strengthen, support and promote one another and delight in and celebrate each other’s messiness unapologetically. The more that we can do that, the less these expectations will matter to us all and the less pressure we will all feel. So let’s do more of the leaning out and just being instead.

The Power of Song

When I play this song, I feel powerful.  If this song is playing as I’m walking down the street, I walk to the beat, with a stride that exhibits power and strength.  I feel like I can accomplish anything when I hear this song.  That’s what a power song can do.  It can reach to your core by empowering and emboldening you.

I like to play this power song as prep for a big meeting, or en route to my company’s headquarters in Springfield.  I crank up the volume and just play it.  I absorb it all- the feelings and images that are created by the music.  I still don’t know all the lyrics.  And honestly, the lyrics are not what make this song a power song for me- it’s the music, the beat, the ability to walk in sync with it and the gait with which I carry myself.  I find that when I play a power song, that I feel more confident, that I feel better about myself and that I can conquer anything.

I’ve had different power songs for different periods of my life. Songs that I listen to over and over again, because they usually help me through a difficult time or inspire confidence. During my senior  year of college it was Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of by U2 and while running the marathon, Remember the Name by Fort Minor provided me with the added umpf that I needed to push through and cross the finish line.

My power song at the moment is You’re Mine by Raving George; what’s yours?

The Battle with Tech

We are surrounded by tech.  People are obsessed with their devices, from iPhones to tablets to Bluetooth this and that, we cannot escape this thing called technology. On the subway, on the street, in the car, on the bus, at work, at home, on the plane, in airports, in bathrooms, in Starbucks and grocery lines, on football fields, and in stadiums and at concerts, people are glued to their screens.  It’s almost like a zombie effect has taken over our society and all you can see are the masses, hunched over, eyes glazed, emotionless, staring into the ether that is their screen.

Long gone is when you find yourself in an elevator striking up a random conversation.  Or making eye contact with the person behind you in the grocery line. Or exchanging pleasantries with your neighbor.  In our attempts to be more connected, available and up-to-date, we have lost touch with people, places and happenings right in front of us and of our physical realities….

You’ve heard me rant and rave about this before. But here’s why I have a bee in my bonnet. Reading the newspaper a few Sundays ago, I came across this article about how “Silicon Valley Nannies are Phone Police for their Kids”.  You’d have to live under a rock to know the damage that excessive screen time can have on a child’s development.  Recently, there’s been talk that the very people who create, sell and market the use of technology in Silicon Valley expressly prohibit their own children from viewing any type of screen whatsoever.  Now that’s unsettling. But these Silicon Valley types and those with means are taking it one step further and hiring nannies to expressly police and protect their children from screens altogether.

The articles goes on to talk about the hypocrisy of these parents who limit or deny screen time while simultaneously being glued to the so-called criminal devices themselves. They are addicted and need to hire outside help to prevent that very addiction within their offspring.  Now, I get it. If you’re ever out to dinner and look around, you might see that family where everybody is on their respective device, barely engaging in a conversation.  Or you may see a group of teenagers messaging their friends, who all happen to be sitting right next to them at their very table.

But have we taken this all a little too far to now be hiring nannies specifically for the purpose of playing tech police?

And taking this one step further, is this just another way that the privileged will leave those who are underprivileged behind? Yet another learning gap that will have to be surmounted in order to be successful in the future?

It all seems a little preposterous to me.  But, these are the times we are living in.  Here’s what we do in our household to battle what ails us of tech:

1. Limit screen time to 20-25 minutes/ day. They are allowed to watch 1 show on PBS Kids and generally no commercials. There are a few caveats to this rule. Because of where we live, during the warmer months, if the kids play outside with their friends after school or summer camp, no screen time that day (mostly because there’s no time).  The kids happily forgo their screen time to play outside and thankfully, this has never been a problem.  If we are running late in our evening routine, no screen time.  We usually make this up with reading extra books before bed.  If we have any activity that runs later into the evening (an event at school, piano lessons, etc), no screen time.  Of course, we also make exceptions the other way when there is a major sports event going on (Go Sox! Go Djokovic!) or if there is a special I want the kids to watch. Ironically enough, my parents had limited my “TV-time” to 30 minutes a day back in the 80s when I was growing up so I feel OK with using this as the allotted time period.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends 1 hour of screen time per day for kids ages 2-5 years and kids ages 6 and above to placing “consistent limits on the time spent using media”.

2. Prefer the TV to a tablet or phone.  We have found that there is something more addictive to a personal device versus something being displayed on the television.  Plus it’s easier to turn the TV off instead of wrangling a device from the kids hand.

3. If poor behavior, no screen time.  Screen time is something to be earned and is a privilege. We are trying to dispel the notion that screen time is ubiquitous with being a kid or with life in general.

4. Do as I do. My husband and I are hyper aware of our phone usage around our children. When I pick up my phone around my kids, I usually announce what I am doing- “I’m looking up the weather” or “I need to check a work email” so the kids know that I have a purpose for looking at my screen. This has taken lots of getting used to but now, when we enter our home, we really make a concerted effort to be off of our phones. It’s certainly not easy and I can vouch that the addiction is real.

What rules have you adopted in your house to curb tech addiction? What have you found to work and not work? Do you have a nanny that serves as a tech police? Please share!

Establishing a Morning Routine

I’ve been all out of sorts lately and feeling out of my element. In one of life’s contradictions, while I love change and embrace the thought of it, with such change also comes feelings of anxiety and instability.  As I began a new job last week, I realized that I had grown accustomed to my former morning routine, my established way of beginning my day.  Now that I am commuting to work (in a car!) more frequently, figuring out a new job in a new role, and adjusting to the limited daylight, my body and mind are revolting.

Routine by definition means “a sequence of actions regularly followed; a fixed program.”

So if you have kids, a job, a spouse, or anything else that gets you out of bed, chances are that you do the same thing every morning.  Whether it’s brushing your teeth, drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, checking your emails, waking up the kids (or being woken up by the kids on a regular basis), taking a shower, these are all simple routines you have probably established and just do without thinking about it.  But when I refer to a morning routine, I’m not talking about just performing these types of tasks.

I’m talking about the deliberate stringing of tasks (whether they are for hygienic purposes or not), that in the aggregate create a morning ritual.  When completed, a morning routine empowers one to begin the day with purpose and intention.  It means waking up at the same time every morning, doing the same things in the same order, on a daily basis.  Obviously there is room for slip-ups or variation based on what is happening in reality, but for the most part, morning routines are performed to bring some calm, control and discipline to one’s life.

As luck would have it, as I’ve been floundering and trying to get my bearings after a week on the new job, the New York Times published this article about best practices for morning routines employed by highly successful people.  Here is a summary (including some of my additional thoughts):

1. Set your wake-up time after experimenting with it.  Figure out what time works for you.  If you want to exercise and do other things in the morning before you need to wake up the kids or go to work, then you may need more time and to wake up earlier (see #2 below).  Change your wake-up time gradually.  I’ve read changing in 15-30 minute increments a couple of weeks at each new time until you get to your desired wake-up time works best. For example, if you wake up at 7AM now, for the next few weeks, wake up at 6:30AM.  How do you feel?  If you need more time, then in a couple of weeks, change your wake-up time to 6:00AM.  And keep doing this until you’ve reached your ideal wake-up time.

2. Make time for what energizes you.  It can be many different things including exercising, yoga, meditation, etc.  For my husband, it’s making a cup of coffee and sipping it gingerly while reading the news and catching up on email.  I’ve noticed that when he doesn’t do this, he is more frazzled.  If you decide to wake up earlier (#1 above), then in the “extra” time you’ve gained, start doing the most rewarding things first to keep you motivated.

3. Create a sleep routine (or a night routine).  The quote from Ben Franklin comes to mind- “Early to bed early to rise makes a man  healthy, wealthy and wise.”  Try to go to bed at a reasonable hour and the same reasonable hour every night.  There is a direct connection between your sleep routine and your morning routine.

4. Adapt your routine to different situations.  If you travel frequently, create a morning routine that you can use while traveling.  Or if your kids have a terrible night, adapt your morning routine enough to allow yourself to feel grounded for the rest of the day despite the disruption.  Life happens, so there’s no need to be so rigid and dogmatic with your morning ritual.  Know the different parts of your morning routine, how long the different tasks take and what is absolutely essential to help you have a better day.

5. It’s OK to miss your routine.  It’s OK to not be perfect in establishing your routine.  It’s like a diet.  Just because you have one slip-up doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track the next day.  Or the day after that.  Remember why you want to create a morning routine and what the intent and purpose behind it is.  And then give yourself a break when you miss it.

I’m looking forward to experimenting in the coming weeks in creating a new morning ritual to bring more harmony, peace and calm to my life.

Do you have a morning routine?  Is there something that you do in the morning that is unique?  I love that Marie Kondo, the author of “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” immediately opens the windows to let in fresh air.

Heroes and Villains

In almost every movie or novel, there is a hero and a villain, a protagonist and an antagonist, a person who saves and a person to be saved, or a combination of any of the aforementioned. The time that I spent fighting sexual violence in conflict with Physicians for Human Rights ("PHR") is marked by this dichotomy. The good versus the bad.  Those who are harmed and those who harm. Obviously, it's not so black and white and there's much gray that resides here. But in the last six months, the hero and the villain of my story of combatting sexual violence have come to the fore.

Today, my hero, Dr. Mukwege, and Nadia Murad both won the Nobel Peace Prize "for their campaigns to end the use of mass rape as a weapon of war". Apropos to the person he is, Dr. Mukwege was in the operating room at Panzi Hospital performing a surgery when he learned of this news.

I met Dr. Mukwege almost four years ago as I started my job at PHR. PHR and its Program on Sexual Violence in Conflict Zones was in deep collaboration with Dr. Mukwege and his Panzi Hospital to create a cross-sectoral network of doctors, nurses, law enforcement and judges to more effectively prosecute crimes of sexual violence. We met in Washington DC in October 2013 as Dr. Mukwege was advocating for more resources and political support for his hospital in the Kivu Province of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. It was an uphill battle for Dr. Mukwege to get the attention of the global community for sexual violence and this small region in Eastern Congo, but very personal. As we sat down at dinner, he discussed his motivations, his experiences and his dreams for his country. Here was a man, a MAN, who understood and promoted the rights of women. He understood that women were human, that women were equal, that women were to be celebrated and that women needed to be protected. Why were his views so very different than the men that he was surrounded by? Over the course of the next few years, I visited Panzi Hospital in Bukavu, DRC and met the many survivors who were helped by Dr. Mukwege and his incredible team. I visited Dr. Mukwege in his home and met his family.  He is as authentic as they come. He is real and is good.

But every hero needs a villain, every protagonist needs an antagonist. Earlier this year, I opened my email to find that one of my former interns at PHR was charged with child sex crimes. Joel Davis spent his gap year between high school and college with us in the Boston office of PHR. I had known this young man personally and went to many lunches and walks with him.  I had provided much support, guidance and mentorship to this then-teenager. He would go on to found an organization called Youth to End Sexual Violence. He was granted access to well-known international organizations including the United Nations.  He was the youth ambassador for the highly publicized Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in 2014. He was friends with Zainab Bangura who served as the United Nations Special Representative for Sexual Violence from 2012-2017. We had been in touch over the years. He was my friend on Facebook. We had discussed his pieces for the Columbia student newspaper over messenger.

I couldn't sleep for nights. I read the complaint. It was damning. How did this happen? What did we miss? He claimed to have been subject to sexual abuse as a child. And in this regard, perhaps demonizing him is incorrect because of the cycle of abuse. But it's hard not to do especially knowing full well that he deeply understood the consequences of his actions and the impact he would have on these children's lives. He had studied sexual violence, its impact on survivors.  He had met countless victims of sexual violence (and allegedly was one), both domestically and internationally.  He became a subject-matter expert on sexual violence. He founded an organization particularly for youth and ending sexual violence.  Beneath the disguise of credibility and legitimacy, his actions towards these children seemed especially cruel.

So as I rejoice today about Dr. Mukwege's well-deserved accomplishment, I am reminded that there is still much work to be done to combat sexual violence. I am grateful that heroes exist in everyday life and I am fortunate to have met one of them. However, I am deeply aware that villains exist everywhere as well.

Unexpected Grief

Last week, I found my son crying in his bed as he went to sleep. I rushed over to him and tried to soothe him. I didn't know why he was crying and showing so much emotion. My heart was breaking. After much pleading and prodding, he finally confessed as to the reason. Earlier in the night, as he had turned on the light in the playroom, he had seen his late grandmother's eyeglasses piled up in a heap on a shelf. Upon seeing her eyeglasses, it had hit him, months later, that his grandmother had passed away and that he would never see her again.

A little over four months ago my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly in Delhi, India.  Thankfully my husband made it to her bedside as she drew her last breaths. I brought the children with me so we could pay our last respects for the very important Hindu rituals on the tenth, eleventh and twelfth days that follow the passing of a loved one.  Before, during and after our trip, we had discussed my mother-in-law's death with the kids, what it meant, whether there is an afterlife, and our feelings of sadness.  But it was the sanitized, non-alarming version.

Death is a very difficult concept to explain to children and even more so in our manicured, curated, picture-perfect society.  When my mother-in-law passed away, I was in India. As part of the rituals and similar to a wake, my mother-in-law's body was displayed in her favorite sari for friends and family to pay their last respects. Clouded by my grief, I remembered that a few cousins had brought their young children to the viewing. I was shocked.  I remembered thinking what seeing a dead body would do to these children at such a young age and how I would never expose my children to this.  But the children at the viewing seemed to not be phased by the whole episode. Dutifully they paid their respects and then carried on as only children can do; they played, laughed and had fun.

In hopes to protect my children from discomfort, pain, sadness and ultimately, grief, I feel like I may have missed the mark entirely.  Perhaps the way that other societies expose children to the realities of death, cancer, illness, and poverty better prepares them for the journey that is life. While I'm loathe to talk in generalities, it seems like that there is a culture in the United States of trying to preserve a  child's childhood to make it as perfect as possible.  In the era of helicopter parenting, we fail to see that our children are stronger than we think they are and more resilient than we give them credit for.   From the Tooth Fairy to Santa Claus, American childhoods are marked by illusions of grandeur, magic, and fantasy. Don't get me wrong, I love playing along with the masquerade of Santa Claus, but what messages are we sending children when we only expose them to fiction while simultaneously protecting and shielding them from reality?

So when my son, months later came upon the eyeglasses and made the leap for himself of what these eyeglasses signified, it was a reminder to me that reality catches up with even our littlest citizens despite vain attempts at protection. That while his grief was not immediate or showy, my son had absorbed the meaning and permanence of his grandmother's death and because of this, he was sad and grieving.  And that despite the tears, sadness and grief, my son ultimately will be a little more prepared for life and will become stronger and more resilient in facing our new reality, without his beloved grandmother but with her eyeglasses. And maybe that's not so bad after all.

First Gray Hairs

Today, I found my first gray hairs. It was my reaction to finding these gray hairs that surprised me even more- I was actually upset by it, rattled and shaken. It's not a logical reaction especially as I near 40. So much of my body has changed from my youth- from the loss of definition to my body and the appearance of fine lines on my face to the inability to bounce back after a night out, these are all the new realities of a body that is slightly worn and dated. My father turned gray by his early 30s and it was a look that he carried well. My mother started turning gray when she was in her early 50s. My younger brother has quite a few gray hairs as well. It really shouldn't have come as a surprise. But this discovery hit me like a ton of bricks. In the moment of unearthing these grays, I mourned my youth, what remained of my feelings of immortality, and my impending older age. As I stood there taking in the full weight of all that I felt was lost, quickly I was comforted with all that my body has done and continues to do.  The same body that produced these gray hairs has also birthed and fed two children, attempted to run a marathon and played collegiate tennis.  And the story of my body is not done as I train for the Chicago marathon this Fall. I suppose we all need these moments of humility and reminders of the fragility and brevity of life. It's funny how a few first gray hairs can provide one with that perspective. I'll take all of this with me as I cross that finish line in Chicago, gray hairs and all.

WLC Warriors

Tomorrow, January 20, 2018, I will begin the Whole Life Challenge (WLC)- six weeks of trying to eat clean, sleep, hydrate, exercise, stretch and be mindful of various behaviors.  I completed a WLC at the end of last year with varying results.  This time, I hope to be more strict with myself, to hold myself to a higher standard and to truly challenge myself.  What I like about the WLC is that it truly encompasses your entire life- from morning to night, the different habits that you exhibit during the day.  Each category, of which there are seven. earns you 5 points. Some categories are all or nothing (for water/hydration, did you drink the minimum ounces of water that you were supposed to? if yes, you get all 5 points.  If no, then you get 0 points).  Other categories are on a scale, like nutrition for example.  You start out with 5 points for nutrition, and depending on the level you have chosen at the outset of the WLC (kickstart, lifestyle or performance), you deduct 1 point for each serving of non-compliant food consumed for your particular level.

This time around, I have selected the vegetarian lifestyle level that means no dairy except for yogurt, kefir and butter, no grains except for rice and corn tortillas, no sugar except for naturally occurring sweeteners, and limited quantities of legumes and nuts.  Oh and 1 glass of spirits or wine allowed per week!  I hope to strictly adhere to this food/beverage list this time around (last time I would have frequent "cheat" days or meals.  The last time I attempted the WLC, I found nutrition to be the hardest category to maintain especially on those days that I ate out at restaurants or attended an event.

Which brings me to my conundrum.  While I want to adhere to the food list and follow the WLC as much as possible, I don't want to be one of those people who makes a fuss when going out and have to restrain myself from the yummy non-compliant foods (bread basket anyone?) while the rest of the table happily indulges in these treats. And we all know that having that person at their table somehow reduces your own joy in eating the said non-compliant food. I have had friends who have shunned social activities both professional and personal during their times of intense dieting/food restriction so as to not be that annoying person. I don't see this as a sustainable way of living and being the social person I am, the six weeks of the WLC would be absolutely miserable if I couldn't see my friends or go out!  I had a trainer last year who suggested that you just don't make a big deal about it. You don't announce you are on any type of diet to the table or are restricting certain types of foods.  You order what you can eat without bringing much attention to what you are doing.  And by operating under the radar, you can hopefully still enjoy company while dining out or attending an event.  So this is the approach I am going to take and if you find dining with me annoying, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be "that" person!

If you are interested in joining our team, we are the WLC Warriors- click this link:  http://www.whole.lc/wlc1801/t/wlc-warriors-52344b8b-7b71-40c0-8661-9dcf54118a8a/join

And wish me luck!  It is going to take much willpower to complete the WLC!

Jasmine and Family

As I looked out on my porch this morning, I was greeted by the most pleasant sight.  My favorite flower had bloomed and with it, a flood of memories came rushing in. The jasmine that can be found in South Asia, particularly South India, is unparalleled in smell and composition. From this small white flower, the most heavenly scent emanates.  I remember so vividly falling in love with this flower as a six-year old girl, and mostly because this scent was strikingly different from the odors and fumes of the rest of India. Not only was I taken by the smell but also with the tradition of wearing flowers in one's hair. And from that moment, wearing jasmine in my hair became my "thing". Whenever I visited India, my family would greet me with strings of jasmine (side note- I almost named this blog Strings of Jasmine).

I stared at these flowers from my kitchen, sipping on my morning coffee, reminiscing about my family back in India. My aunt, older cousin and I used to spend hours on their veranda, picking jasmine. I would then sit next to my aunt as she skillfully crafted these flowers into long strings to be worn by the females in our family.

My most vivid memory was when I was 12 and another aunt had collected all the jasmine from her house and her neighbors' houses. She set to work for hours upon hours of threading the jasmine onto cardboard to later be affixed to my hair (see pic below- this is not exactly what it looked like but it was pretty darn close!). As I sat there patiently waiting for her to complete her work, it wasn't lost on me how much time and effort she was putting in making me happy. And how much she loved me and my love for these flowers. When she was done, she turned to me with the most amazing smile and gave me the flowers that had taken her so long to complete.  That gesture of selflessness, kindness and pure joy still warms my heart. While my aunt has since passed, I cherish this memory still. And smelling that jasmine today reminded me of that moment and how much she had taught me to give onto others selflessly and with joy. 

Staring at the jasmine this morning also flooded my heart with sadness. At the moment I write this, one of my paternal uncles is dying. My dad left this evening to spend his last days with him.  The last time I saw my uncle was last year at a party my aunt had thrown for us while we were in India. And I wore jasmine in my hair that night. If I close my eyes, I am transported back to that night, to the laughter and the smiles, to the hugs and the good fortune of being surrounded by my family and my uncle in particular.  It's amazing how smell has the ability to transcend time and place and help you relive moments as if they are your current reality. As I reminisced about all of this in the morning, my daughter crossed the porch and plucked a jasmine from the plant, inquiring about its pretty scent. I told her about the flower, its origin, and its connection to my family. I told her how much jasmine meant to me. She then asked if she could wear it in her hair.  Of course, I said yes.

Who were you BC (Before Children)? (Plus some Montreal recs)

Happy Self

Last Thursday was my son's last of school. We packed up my son and daughter that evening and sent them with my parents to CT to begin their summer holidays. Kishore and I are without our children for a whole week! That's seven days that we have completely to ourselves and we are milking every minute of it. Along with most parents I know, we are usually in the throes of logistics from making lunches to worrying about dinner, from making sure the kids are properly clothed and sunscreened to ensuring that the children are trying a diversity of activities, let alone being responsible for the children's emotional and moral well-being. Simply put, it's exhausting. So we bid goodbye to our beloved children, put on our shoes, went for a walk through the neighborhood and grabbed a drink at the Charles Hotel. We continued our respite with an escape to Montreal for the weekend, rekindling our connection with each other as well as rediscovering parts of ourselves.

We arrived in Montreal on Friday afternoon and began our love affair with all things Montreal. This was our fourth time in Montreal but the last two had been with the kids. It's amazing how quickly we were able to maneuver through the city, how much we were able to see and do and how different of an experience it was for us. We stayed at a modern, boutique hotel on the edge of Old Montreal called Hotel Gault. From the high ceilings to the well-appointed rooms, we began our rendezvous in style.

Around the corner from our hotel was one of the best restaurants I have ever been to- olive+gourmando. What a treat! We literally ate there every day of our trip. From the presentation of the food to the use of local ingredients, it was pure heaven. We indulged our taste buds with fresh breads, tartines with homemade ricotta, seasonal fruits and vegetables, egg and cheese sandwiches with sriracha sauce!... I could go on and on and my descriptions are not doing justice to the quality and taste of the food (see the picture below). On Friday night, we were directed to Lov- a vegetarian restaurant. This place was chic and hip (the crowd was too!) and unlike any vegetarian restaurant I have ever been to. What was nice was that the fare was not just fake meats presented in conventional ways. From quinoa fritters (using jack fruit as a main ingredient!) to sriracha fries to sweet potato gnocchi we thoroughly enjoyed our vegetarian meal.

On Saturday morning, we deliciously slept in until 10AM! That never happens with our children. We rented bikes through Montreal's bike-share program called BIXI and biked around the islands, culminating in a visit to the Biosphère. Montreal has done an exquisite job of creating bike paths around the canals and the islands; there were many locals who were also riding on these paths. It made seeing the city fun and exciting. We had crepes for a late-lunch and then meandered through the streets of Old Montreal. After a short rest at the

Hotel Gault

Sunday was another great day of fun. After another brunch at olive+gourmando (yes, it really is that good), we went on bike ride up Lachine Canal. After eating a quick lunch, we left Montreal to make it to Gillette Stadium to see one of our favorite bands play, U2, and their Joshua Tree Tour. We remarked at how facile movement can be sans children including a 6 hour road trip. While we thoroughly indulged over the weekend, we did miss our children and spoke of them, and to them, often. We remarked on what we would like to show the kids upon our next visit to Montreal and took videos of the U2 concert in hopes of cultivating another generation of fans.

This much-needed respite enabled me to not only connect with Kishore but also to reclaim parts of myself that existed BC. I was reminded that I love traveling and discovering new places. I love meeting new people and experiencing new things. I love good food and conversation with wine as an accompaniment, of course. I love comfortable walking shoes. I love window shopping, crowds and people-watching. I love dressing effortlessly chic. In unearthing these parts of myself that have been buried by Pokémon, caution, stuffed animals and responsibility, I felt happy, light, and liberated. I felt alive.

I vowed after this trip to bridge more of my BC-self with my AC (After Children)-self. I vowed to let the kids see more of this side of me- the woman who loves discovering and exploring new things, who enjoys finding herself amid the different, who is light and carefree, who loves to explore on foot or bike, who wants to just be. My hope is that exposing my children to this side of me will also help influence them to be and seek who they are, encourage discovery and exploration and foster a love of traveling similar to Kishore and me.

Who were you BC? Have you been able to bridge your BC-self with your AC-self? How?

PS- Thanks to my parents for watching the kids! We are so fortunate to have you in our lives.

Sushi Momo.

Amazing vegetarian sushi

Keeping up with the Millennials

Here's a fascinating trend: according to a Pew Research study in 2015, more millennials reported making personal improvement commitments than any generation before them. NPR reported a few days ago that "millennials spend twice as much as boomers on self-care essentials such as workout regimens, diet plans, life coaching, therapy and apps to improve their personal well-being." Working in a multi-generational environment, it is hard not to see the differences between the millennials and the baby-boomers with self-care the most evident. For example, most of the millennial women I know workout at one of the local exercise trends including Soulcycle, Orangetheory Fitness, Pure Barre or the plethora of spinoffs of the aforementioned places. They take these expensive classes several times a week and supplement these workouts with additional gym memberships/personal training sessions at places like Equinox, Healthworks or Boston Sports Club. And that's just fitness.

In addition, millennial women I know spend inordinate amounts on upkeep from manicured nails to perfectly sculpted hair including the frequent blow-outs that run at least $45 a pop at popular places like DryBar or Blo Blow Dry Bar (yes you read that right). We haven't even broached relaxation (i.e. massages), skincare, nutrition, self-tanners, laser technology and botox (again, you read that right). As a member of Generation X (or Y), I look at the millennials with interest, slight skepticism and of course, a little loathing. With two kids, a full-time job, and a husband, it is exhausting to not only worry about providing the basic necessities in life (i.e. putting food on the table both literally and figuratively) but also keeping up with the millennials.

In the NPR article, one reason for the focus on self-care within the millennial generation is the advent of the internet. Access to free information has enabled this generation to become more aware of self-care strategies. Once one is aware, the new tools and apps that have emerged make self-care more accessible and easier to achieve. Another explanation is that self-awareness has created a generation of self-absorption. "We might find ourselves comparing our lives to the perfection we see on the Internet, which leads us to utilizing online tools for self-care — and the cycle continues, " says Hyepin Im, as quoted by NPR, who is the president and CEO of Korean Churches for Community Development. While this self-absorption can be seen as a negative, it does have some positive aspects including the acceptance of more of the "gray" that occurs in one's life rather than everything being seen as black and white. For example, increased self-awareness has the added benefits of increasing knowledge and education, destigmatizing mental illnesses, and increasing acceptance of differences found among this generation. The concept of self-care is not in and of itself unique but it's the broad acceptance among an entire generation that is what makes it different.

While I am not denying the importance of self-care, my issue with this notion of self-care is when it becomes a burden on other women in other generations. It is wonderful that millennials have more disposable income, time and energy to spend on such self-care activities. However, the advent of technology and dependence on social media have now created increased expectations on women of all generations to incorporate self-care into their lives. These expectations can sometimes be overwhelming and crushing- I am not only supposed to be a mother, wife, lawyer and homeowner, but also have beautiful hair and skin like a model with a balanced physique of a ballerina and the strength and endurance of a marathoner? I am exaggerating but you get my point. If you are not able to meet this ridiculous standard, then you are made to feel like a failure by the constant feedback mechanisms built into this said technology and social media. What I take umbrage at is that these expectations, if not met, not only can create unhappiness, anxiety and depression (which are antithetical to the concept of self-care) but also may have professional implications in multi-generational work environments. While I would like to dispense with these expectations altogether, it's certainly easier said than done.

How do you try and keep up with the millennials?

Lessons Learned from my Facebook Diet

I went on a Facebook Diet for two weeks. I started the diet without an end date in mind. I went on a Facebook Diet because I was feeling anxious and nervous, I was constantly checking my Facebook News Feed, and I was comparing myself to others to my own detriment.

The detox from Facebook was liberating. I felt free from the constant stimulation and connectivity with others. I started feeling calm and relaxed. I had more time and was more present for the real people in my life. These were all the positives of the diet and ones that I started feeling immediately.

While the benefits certainly outweighed the negatives, there was a downside of not being on Facebook. My fear of what I might be missing out on came to fruition. I was invited to and missed my friend's campaign launch for Cambridge City Council. She had sent the invitation via her new Facebook page announcing the campaign launch at a local bar. Not being connected on Facebook meant that I couldn't see the other mutual friends who were going, they didn't know I wasn't on Facebook (tsk tsk, they didn't read my blog!)... and so it goes. While it was not a disastrous outcome, I would have loved to show my support for my friend who is a woman of color running for local office.

The main lesson I learned is that I need to use Facebook as a vehicle of connectivity to the different friends' groups in my life. If I see it as that and nothing more, then I think my relationship with Facebook will be positive. Now, I am more mindful of my time on Facebook and try to show restraint in how many times a day I am refreshing my News Feed. When anxiety or nervousness arise, I take a break from Facebook. And when the feelings of inadequacy emerge because I am comparing myself to others, I am quick to recognize these feelings and squash them. My Facebook Diet showed me that I can live without it and I will be perfectly fine. Now, whether I want to is another question entirely...

The Phones We Love Too Much

I'm Day 5 into my Facebook diet and it feels similar to a food diet. The first day was really hard. Every time I opened my browser (I had deleted the Facebook app on my phone to curb use but that didn't help much), I wanted to refresh Facebook. I thought many times during the day "just this once" and "nobody will ever know" but I'm trying to keep my word to my readers and to my blog, so I didn't cheat. But boy did I want that "chocolate chip cookie"! Day 2 was a little better. I thought about checking my Facebook News Feed about half the amount of times that I had on Day 1. I wondered what I was missing out on, whose birthday I was forgetting and whether anybody was feeling my absence. On Day 3, I started visiting new sites that I had never really done on a regular basis like The Boston Globe and other blogs like Cup of Jo other than my usual New York Times fix. And whenever I felt the urge to look at Facebook, I turned to People.com instead. Trolling celebrities' lives, while not the same, satiated that urge to know what is going on in someone's life.  I know it sounds pathetic.  Day 4 was easier as I found myself letting go and not so preoccupied.  I wasn't turning to my phone in the same way that I had been when I was checking Facebook constantly. So today, Day 5, is much like Day 4. I am still nostalgic about Facebook, but I am no longer feeling the anxiety that I was feeling before the diet.  I find myself having time now to think about other things  and caring less about what XYZ person from high school (who didn't even like me back then) is doing with their time.  I'm losing the "weight" that compelled me to go on this Facebook diet in the first place.

One of the reasons I forced myself to quit Facebook for a while is because I felt addicted to my phone. Ironically enough, the other day I stumbled across this article called "The Phones We Love Too Much".  I read with extreme interest. There is a professor at UConn that founded a Center for Internet and Smartphone Addiction. The motto for this Center is to "plug back into life."  Need I say more?

Technology and the use of technology is one of the biggest sources of tension in our household. Both my husband and I have demanding jobs where we are expected to respond quickly to client and colleague emails. I've done my research and read the negative effects of cell-phone use generally and especially in front of loved ones including children and how such use makes children (and apparently spouses) feel inadequate, unimportant and anxious. So I've tried to put in place times in our house where technology is not to be used including while eating, especially at the dinner table, and on the weekends (unless to respond to friends' texts to coordinate plans for the day/evening). While I feel that technology has taken over our lives and impacted them in ways that we are just beginning to understand, Kishore feels that there really is no problem at all. He only sees the benefit of being able to come home to spend time with our children despite the demanding job. I say that we are not truly "present" with our kids when we are on our devices.... and so the argument continues.

What I am learning with this Facebook diet and that was reaffirmed with this NY Times article is that I was overusing tech and quite dependent on it and that this overuse and dependence were a sign of overcompensation for other things such as fear of being alone with my own thoughts, loneliness, boredom and feelings of inadequacy. Cutting off access to something so addictive like Facebook is helping me see what might be amiss in my own life. With this self-imposed Facebook hiatus, I hope that instead of loving my phone too much, I can spend quality time with and show and express my love for the real people in my life.

On a Facebook Diet

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I know many feel this way and that I am not alone. There has been much that has been written and studied about the negative effects of social media- everything from how many friends are the optimal number to enhance happiness to how smartphone use by parents can negatively impact their children. We know that the data is out there but there is something so addictive about Facebook (N.B. Facebook addiction has also been studied). I can't stop refreshing my News Feed. It's like a nervous tick. And the more that I focus on not doing it, the more I want to.

My husband, Kishore, is not on Facebook and I envy him. Yesterday, he was looking over my shoulder as I refreshed for the hundredth time. I then showed him a picture of somebody at which point he started to look at my News Feed. Watching him read my News Feed was like watching somebody go to Times Square for the first time. He was overwhelmed with all the information. And I was overwhelmed watching him. He was able to look at my screen for only 10 seconds at which point he handed my phone back to me and said "TMI!"

There are three reasons I hate Facebook. The first is that it is potentially damaging to my self-esteem. I start comparing myself to everybody's news feeds and wondering why I'm not as happy as this person, why I'm not as skinny or pretty as that person or why somebody's children always look so  coordinated and relaxed. And then I have to talk myself down from the precipice of unhappiness after recognizing for the umpteenth time that what I am watching is everybody's best self. People are only posting those pictures in which they look the best, their children are complying or they are doing interesting things. They are not posting their disappointments, failures, missteps, frustrations, aggravations and if they do, they are usually met with silence or judgment. The second is because I use it as my babysitter. Yes, you read that right. When I am bored, have a spare moment (standing in the grocery line or on the T), I click my News Feed and start reading. I don't know what I am looking for, but I am looking. I click articles, memes, photographs mindlessly. And then afterwards, if you were to ask me what I just looked at, I would probably give you a blank stare. Checking Facebook has become a gross habit of which I am ashamed. And lastly, this past presidential election highlighted to me the dangers of social media and the "filter bubble". Over 2 billion people use Facebook now, about 1.2 billion of them daily according to The New YorkTimes.  According to this New York Times article, a team of researchers at M.I.T. and Harvard found that social media created a "right-wing echo chamber" and that people were using social media to create "self-reinforcing bubbles of confirmatory ideas, to the detriment of civility and a shared factual basis from which to make collective, democratic decisions." The problem is that of the "News Feed"- a curated, personal news feed for each user. The News Feed that you are presented with every time you open Facebook has been sorted and prioritized for you by a series of algorithms based on what you have liked or whose page you have visited in the past. If you are only seeing those news articles and items that you agree with it, it surely creates that "echo chamber" that distorts your reality. And it potentially creates an alternate universe in which untruths and fallacies become mainstream "facts."

When I start feeling anxious, nervous and unfocused, when I'm constantly revisiting the site thinking that something will change in the second that I haven't been on and when I start to feel ungrounded, unconfident, and dazed, I know it's time for me to take a break from Facebook. Crazily enough, these are all tell-tale signs of addiction. Hmmm....

My major beef with giving up Facebook is FOMO or the "fear of missing out." It seems like we are the FOMO generation. Those of us who grew up without the technology and then were suddenly gifted with its presence 15-20 years ago now suffer from serious FOMO. Now that FB has become a socially accepted way for people to share important personal news (marriages, babies, pregnancies, retirements, special birthdays, etc.), the fear of missing out is great. And it's not even just with major life milestones, but also with keeping up with my real friends' lives. Many of my dear friends do not live in Boston, so a way that I am able to still feel part of their lives is to see their photos immediately and to respond by "liking" said picture. Staying connected and feeling part of something larger is definitely a benefit of FB.

Benefits aside, I need to start feeling good about my interactions with Facebook. So I am going to go on a FB diet starting tomorrow. Until then, you can find me hitting that refresh button (and promoting this blog post). Now the real question will be how to promote my next few posts without Facebook and whether I'd be cheating if I ask my friends to do it?!